had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
