At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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