I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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