True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
