I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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