I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
