i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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