I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
