Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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