Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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