I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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