Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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