Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
