Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
