No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
