What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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