I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
