erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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