I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
