wrigley field is MILF paradise
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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