can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
