The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
