He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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