I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
