my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
