i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
