There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
