no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
