My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
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My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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