My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
