Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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