I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
