I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
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Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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