I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
