i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Randomize
