I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
