there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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