My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
