Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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