yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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