Kiss
Puke
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
