She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
