I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
