i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
