i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
