Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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