Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Randomize
