Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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