i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think my moral compass just broke
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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