Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
