Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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