I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
