Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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