did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
