so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
