you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
