Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
