At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
