i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You can't just leave with hair like that
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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