i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
