Say something about gay babies.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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